Journal’s Malice
You thought I was going to leave you hanging in this story, didn’t you? Love would not allow me to do that, to you or to my friend from long ago. Even today, I strongly believe my friend’s biggest mistake was her journaling. She was obsessive about it and you may have surmised she used her journals to chronicle all the wrongs done to her and to her family and friends. Not just my sin, everybody’s. It wasn’t until that night I realized just how wide spread her personal record keeping was within our church.
Please don’t misunderstand. It’s not that journaling is bad. It is, in fact, just a tool. But when it was used in direct opposition to love’s definition in I Corinthians 13, it turned into a tool of Satan.
There really is no other way to put it. It caused great pain to me personally, setting back years of progress I had made in keeping my walls down and trusting others. It also caused deep rifts in that local church body from which they have yet to fully recover even decades later.
And before you take up an offense for me with my friend, please understand that I am just as responsible for what took place that night and the aftermath as she was. You see, many of the accusations she brought against me were true. At first, I agreed with her on several points. It was her motives that spilled out all over her delivery that made the difference in what was communicated that evening.
But that shouldn’t have mattered. I had (and have) the unfathomable power of Jesus living in me through the Holy Spirit. I didn’t have to respond in an ungodly way. What does love say? It does not seek its own. It is not provoked. Trust me! I was all about seeking my own protection and I was more than just a little provoked that night and for a long time afterward. We share the blame for the dishonor brought to the Lord that night and the battle lost to our true enemy, Satan.
With all the years and miles that have separated me from that night, I still remember the awful, deep oppression I felt in that room. I hope I never forget it because it is a good reminder of what happens when God’s children dwell in disobedience. (Again, me as well as my friend.)
In the weeks immediately following that night, I chalked up that oppressiveness to being raked over the coals and subsequently being really ticked off. But through months of healing and prayer with my husband, we both agreed there was a major spiritual battle going on in that suburban living room. We both regret we didn’t see the battle for what it was. So much could have been prevented.
When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:11-13
Since that night decades ago, I have distinctly felt similar types of oppression. But now I know to put on God’s armor and fight my real enemy with all God’s power and might. That doesn’t mean I come out of the battle without a scratch. It does mean I come out of the battle singing His praises and glorifying my Savior’s name. I cannot describe in words the difference.
But I say, it is not me…it is all God!
We moved shortly after this incident, and not long after that, so did my friend. It took some time, more than it should have, but I tracked her down and wrote a letter seeking her forgiveness and telling her I valued our friendship. She replied and we kept in touch for a while as friends, but more importantly as one anothers. Life and miles have happened and we will probably never see each other face to face again in this lifetime, but I so look forward to spending eternity with her where we will abide together in our Savior’s love!
This story will never be over and I’m so glad!
One Another Living 